It’s Wednesday morning of Homecoming week at Tarleton State University.
To say the least, this is supposed to be the best week of my freshman year of college, but unfortunately it hasn’t been.
Anything that can go wrong, has gone wrong.
It all started Sunday when I was supposed to back by 7:30 for a movie, Jackass 3D to be specific, but unfortunately didn’t make it back till 7:50. I felt terrible. I hate promising things then going back on my word, so I try not to, but at the same time I hate being replaced. Then my week started, and I just love when school starts again, not. Classes weren’t really that bad I just hate going to them. Especially Algebra. That teacher is a 4 year old trapped in a 20+ year old’s body, I swear. Ugh. Later that night I worked on the float for Block & Bridle and came back so that I could go grab some food at the Dining Hall. Well, unfortunately that didn’t exactly happen, but I’m okay with that. I just stayed in my room and had some really good home made food. After eating I decided to leave my room and head on over to Amber, my RL’s room. I had my key but I didn’t want my door locked so I just put the bolt out and closed the door. After 20 minutes of being over at Amber’s I came back to get my phone and once again left the bolt out and closed the door. 2 knocks later I return to my room, sit down and decide that my filter needed to be cleaned in my frog’s fish tank. I didn’t pay attention to anything in the tank, just the filter. So after cleaning everything and returning it to the proper places I realize that one of my frog’s is missing. NOW I’M MAD! So I’m looking everywhere in my room for this frog, and when Amber returns from her rounds she comes into my room to help me look for it. This frog is no where to be found, and I still can’t find it. She moved everything and it’s no where. I almost wonder if someone came in and took it…remember the knocks? I don’t know but it really bothers me that someone did that, if they did that. Nothing else is missing though so that would be sort of unbelievable. I tried to turn in a missing frog report, but Faith said I couldn’t. Sad day, sad day. Then even later that night, creepin’ into Tuesday morning I went out to Heritage Park to look at, and possibly steal, poo signs. HAHA! I hate when people are idiotic about them. You don’t take them when the poo are out, period. But they sure enough took every single one of those signs. Sadly I didn’t get the Homecoming poo sign that I wanted, but I think I will live.
So then Tuesday starts. Chemistry quiz, blah. and a ridiculously hectic yet boring day. Tuesday’s are always so busy, but I didn’t have any meetings which relieved some stress. After a shower and getting all cleaned up I decided to head over to the Purple Out Picnic. Wanting someone to go with I texted and called, and nothing. Ended up just eating pizza in the dining hall and buying t-shirts for everyone. Yay for a picnic? And that failed attempt I was invited over to Amber’s again but I didn’t leave my door unlocked this time. We were watching a show called Bones for a while then switched over to Couple’s Retreat. Very funny movie! I didn’t want to overstay my welcome so I decided to leave and let her have her own personal time. I returned back to my room just in time for the Teen Mom Finale w/Dr. Drew! So I watched that from 8:00 till right around 10:30 which is when I had to be there for TAT. After arriving we sat around for another hour then decided to finally leave. We didn’t get anyone, once again, so we just left and came back to campus. Tuesday’s are so lame! So now it’s Wednesday morning of Homecoming week at Tarleton State University, and it has been the worst week of my life.
I will attempt to write another blog later today, but no promises. That one might be a little more personal.
So it’s been a while eh?
To start…short and sweet.
Moved into the new house, moved all my stuff in, unpacked then repacked for school, went to Duck Camp(I’ll post on this later), and moved into Legends on the 27th of August.
I started school on Monday. I love Tarleton, and everything about it. I love the traditions and the people who surround me, especially the ones who have listened to me cry over the past 2 nights. I love my room, it feels more like home then my actual “home” feels. There isn’t one thing I would change about my room except maybe the ceiling that’s caving in, but as long as it doesn’t fall on me then I can live with it. The internet is super slow, which is another crummy thing, but it’s okay. It’s decorated with the two things I love, pink and zebra. It hold’s 2 things that keep me sane, my frogs and my betta. It protects me. It is my home. It’s only been a week and it holds more memories than my own bedroom.
My classes are legit. I was scared that I would be overwhelming myself, but honestly I think everything falls into place. I of course have classes that I dread going to, but they are the ones that I know I can pull through in. I’ve missed 2 classes already. This isn’t a good start, but things have to change. I’m done being depressed.
My friends are legit too. I have Bridgett and Stephanie who have been my besties since the summer. I met Brittany shortly after and it’s crazy just how much we have in common. We literally talked about our views on some major things, and they are almost identical! Thomas is my friend who I can always rely on. He is just Thomas, no more and no less. Then I met some new really awesome people yesterday at the football game. Kandace, Nikki, Johnny, and McCoy, who I think are going to be my new best friends. We lost, but the whole point is that I got out of my room. Quite frankly, I spend too much time in there. I love my room so much though. My roommate, Katie, that I was worried about is great. She is completely different than me but she’s a great roommate! I know I can rely on her for anything. Thank goodness we get along! So so so thankful! Love ya Katie! =]
My emotions have been all over the place. It felt great to be there. Alone, and free. I am not out of control though, so no trouble here. It started out great, but then everything just came crashing down. EVERYTHING! I feel worthless. I feel used. I feel like I am a waste of time. I feel loved, but unwanted. And I hate to ramble, but that’s why I feel empty. I feel like someone stabbed me in the chest and then tore my heart out. I feel cold and heartless. I’m missing something. Why is it hitting me this hard? I actually care. I ACTUALLY CARE! But I’m not going to come running back again. It’s not healthy for me. It’s not healthy for anyone. UGH! Dropped like a hot potato. There aren’t any words to explain all of these emotions. I’ve been listening to Katy Perry on replay for the past 3 days. I love Katy Perry. She’s beautiful and her lyrics make so much sense to me. The only thing that really does make sense to me anymore. This whole situation has really brought me down. Way down. I have come to realize though that despite all of my tears, nothing will change. I’m not giving up, but I will stop fighting. I’ll stop trying and start doing. College is supposed to be the time of my life, and I guess I will have to go on without one of the most important things to me. My heart. My love. My Cj.
The ride home was horrible. I sang all the way here. Anything and everything that came to mind. Profanities and all. It seems like the longest drive in the world, even though it’s only about an hour and a half. Back to school on Monday afternoon. Thank goodness for a 4 day weekend!! Can’t wait to be back in the Ville though. Back with Brittney and the rest of the gang! Monday is a new start. It has to be whether I like it or not. College isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, it’s so much more. I’m getting involved in everything I can. I’m going to be somebody. My parents believe in me. My friends believe in me. Now its time to believe in myself. I’m just missing that one person that could make all the difference.
I love you.
It’s been awhile. I told myself I would never go for an extended period of time without writing, but my plan failed me. It was going pretty good for some time, but then the urge stopped. Here I am again, though, to pour my heart out to the only person who will listen to me.
How have I been feeling lately? I’m alive. And I find myself saying this more and more because I really have no other feelings or at least none that I can explain. The last time I wrote was in the middle of May and not a lot has changed. I graduated, but to me it just marked the end of high school. None of my family came, but it’s expected seeing that I’m not close with any of my cousins or “extended family.” I was able to prepare a speech for the closing, where I messed up terribly, looked like a rambling fool, and spoke like I had just a few seconds to speak. But all is well. I’m done with high school, finally, and it’s time to move on. That moment was bitter sweet. After much deliberation I decided to go to Project Graduation. It was fun, really fun. I spent roughly five hours at Summer Fun in Belton with some of the people who have been in my life the longest. Angelica, Nico, Cherry, and Jessica you will never read this, but I love you. You made that night unforgettable and if it wasn’t for you guys then I would have been at home alone like I am every other night. Here are some pictures. Not the best, but it’s all I have.Oh, and I made the newspaper!
On to newer news, there is none! The summer has flown by. I have stayed home for the most part because it is my choice. When school first let out I was all about getting everyone together to hang out, because isn’t that what people do over the summer? Hang out? I guess not since I don’t get invited anywhere and when I invite no one comes. Oh well. Thus far I have developed better relationships with four of my guy friends. Especially two of them. Edward and DeVante’ have truly made my summer enjoyable via internet. They are the ones who stay up all hours of the night just like I do to keep me company when no one else does. Matthew and Mike have made my summer texting experience more enjoyable. They are the ones who text me all day long to talk about who knows what. I have had quite a few personal conversations with a couple of these guys and I am so thankful that they feel comfortable enough to open up to me. It may just be another conversation to them, but I feel like they may just trust me that much more than the next person. I may be wrong, but this is my blog and whatever I say is just that much more right. Isn’t that sad that that is all I can say about my social life. Take that back…I’ve met some other people but I will talk about that below…
Tarleton. My future “home.” I have been posting on the Tarleton Facebook page for the last few weeks just trying to get information and to meet some new people who will be attending school with me in the fall. I have met a TON of people but just a select few actually talk to me to date. Hopefully by the time school starts then I will still be talking to them and we can hang out. I know it will be hard seeing that I don’t know anyone too personally but maybe they can help me out. I attended the Orientation on June 24&25. Boy was that an experience! It was long and tiring, I actually had to go to bed at a decent time, and my days didn’t end till late at night. Made me want to sleep! Regardless though I had fun and met some awesome people! I found out that I made it into The Pre-Vet Learning Community with 23 other fine ladies and gentlemen. Should be fun, or at least I hope it is. I get to be in the new dorm called Legends. It is exclusively for the Learning Communities and I definitely didn’t want to be in Ferguson alone. My whole goal was to have a roommate. So finally, after thinking that my roommate was one person for 2 or so weeks, I found out today that it is another girl named Katie Stebbins. I’m worried. Really worried. She seems nothing like me, but I hope we kick it off! High hopes! I have also spent a small fortune on dorm supplies. I have gone from Wal*Mart to Bed, Bath, & Beyond to find things that I need. It’s all loaded up in my room, occupying about half of it. Enough to where I literally have to scooch(is this even a word??) around it. So freakin’ excited for Tarleton. But should I be?
The new house is almost done!! We should be moving from my home of 18+ years in approximately 2 full weeks. I really don’t want to move everything, but that is only because my laziness is kicking in. I love this house. So many memories, but I guess the new house wont be half bad. It actually took them less time then they originally thought. It’s coming along quite nicely. I wish I had pictures but that’s my grandfathers job and I don’t have any pictures on this computer. I’m not sure if I like all the colors, and I didn’t get the pink room I basically begged for, but whatever. I no longer live there, right? When I leave for college I leave forever….yea! Oh well.
My Baby!!! I love her so much! I wanted to include some photo’s of her so here is my paragraph of dedication. She has grown SO much! She just recently was spayed, which was so hard for me, but she took it extremely well. She knows who her mommy is! It’s going to be so hard leaving her here when I’m off at college. That is all I will say or I will start crying, I love you darlin’! Yes, that is her nickname!
You can tell how much I love her, right? MY BABY!
Boy has this been a crazy weekend. All I can say is “I tried” and leave it at that. Honestly, I feel like I have no one. Truth, it’s all my fault because I refuse to deal with immature highschool BS, but really, no one? I feel like I’m a generally nice person, pretty easy to get along with, and I like to talk, so whats the matter with me? There are very few people that I associate with but that’s because those people that I do talk to are on my level. I can relate to these select few on one thing or another, and they aren’t psych cases, thank goodness. When I am friends with someone and we hang out, I want it to be just us. Call me stingy but it’s just the way I feel. I guess this is the reason all my relationships fail is because I expect so much and receive so little. I can’t wait to settle down with someone!
I’m so far ahead of my years that no one can comprehend it. This does get mistaken for immaturity though. You are a fool if you think I am immature, but think as you wish. I was discussing with someone last night about this. If I were to have a baby, right now in this moment, I would do whatever it takes to be with that baby 24/7. I’d still be somebody, but I’d be there for my kid. A friend of mine who had a baby recently is the exact same way, and she gets kudo’s for that. A lot of parents don’t do that for their kids, and that sucks! BUT I don’t have a kid and don’t plan on that anytime soon.
Too bad that can’t apply in a friendship to. I’ve always wanted that best friend and I haven’t spotted one in a million miles. Where are youu? I’m just one girl that cares too much and gives to much. I wasn’t forced to grow up fast, but this is how I was raised.
Did you ever think the problem was you? Not me? There aren’t a lot of girls out there like me, and this will be my downfall. Too different, now I just have to find that one person similar to me to be my best friend. Where are youu?
I still care about all you backstabbers and scumbags though, no matter what. I’d hate to see any harm done. Why cant you see that I’m one in a million? Do I drink? No. Do I smoke? No. Do I plan to do any of that? No. It’s not who I am, and quite frankly not something I want to be. Not talking down on it of course. College will be no different.
Speaking of college, I’m so unprepared. I need someone going through the same stuff to help me out. So excited but so stressed. It would help me out a lot of I had someone. Blah blah blah. I hate to admit it, but I’m a Ke$ha fan. Not the lyrics, but her beat. Stupid lyrics but catchy music. Don’t judge me!
BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Wow, it’s been a while since I last posted. I’m not sure if this is because I was busy or just a lack of motivation, but I’m leaning toward choice #2.
It’s been so long that I don’t even know where to begin. Life has been going in circles, and I can’t say that it’s exactly great. I have found myself alone a lot of the time, and I think I’m depressed, but like any other teenager I just put a smile on so no one else will ask. I have looked up symptoms, as weird as that sounds, and they mostly all apply except the thoughts of suicide. I don’t think I could actually go through with it, but the thought has crossed my mind. Errr off that!
Well since I have nothing else to talk about then I will talk about prom. Too bad there’s no much to say. I didn’t know I was going till about 2 Saturdays ago because of April’s bowling party. I met Ian and he seemed pretty cool. He offered and I accepted. Sad to admit the only reason was because it seemed like everyone was forcing me to go, not because I personally wanted to. But regardless of this I went ahead and ordered my dress, went to my fitting, picked it up, made my hair appointment, and planned for dinner all in the two weeks before prom. It’s an amazing dress. I love it. Planning for Ian went well, not very hard to pick out a tux. Plans for dinner fell trough due to a lack of dedication to a friendship and a lack of care, but that was expected. I really wish I had a friend that cared. But as I keep saying, that’s too much to ask. Anyways, we ended up going to Buca Di Beppo in Austin. YUMMY! Here are some pictures..
Aren’t I pretty?!
On another note, I had a really wonderful conversation with Mr. Edward Cornell. He would hate me for calling him Mr., but if he ever reads this then he will have to deal with it. He seems to be the one person I can talk to and not get annoyed with. Anyone else is just too hard to talk to. Thinking back on it we had a very random conversation. But it was lovely, I really enjoyed it, so thank you.
I miss you, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it.